“I Found a Cure for Cancer.”

Yesterday afternoon Emily and I went to Beach Park (the swimming area on lagoon side) to swim, get tan, and enjoy our 11-day Spring Break. We sat at the end of the island for a while after we swam. We were having a peaceful little time when this man came to talk to us. He walked over from his group of friends/family and introduced himself. He was very friendly and spoke very good English. He started out talking about the crazy drunk people swimming around the corner, and then proceeded to tell us that he had some special medicine.

“Can I show you my medicine?”

“Sure”

He pulled out some old water bottles with the label torn off that were filled with this light orangish/pinkish water. “My medicine cures cancer. I found a cure for cancer.”

… “Really?”

He said, “I’ve cured 20,000 people with this stuff. “ By this time Emily and I had exchanged some this guy is nuts glances.

Emily asked, “What kinds of cancer does it cure?” “All types. Any cancer. It’s a special medicine made of coconut juice, bananas, mangoes, aloe vera, cranberries. It has vitamin A, vitamin C, and fiber. All natural.”

I asked, “How long does it take for the cancer to be gone?”

“It will be gone in 48 hours.”

Hmm…

Emily asked, “How did you come up with the medicine.”

He mentioned that it wasn’t luck. He said, “Im not smart. Smart is to describe a ordinary man. I’m brilliant.” Stretching his arms out wide he said, “Scientists tell me, ‘You’re brain is this big.’” He told us that he was “not smart, but brilliant” probably 6 or 7 times—we still weren’t convinced, although he was probably the most conceited man I’ve ever met. “I came up with the medicine when I was out on one of the outer islands (where there is nothing!). I was with some friends and I walked around and found a spot to work on it. I mixed all kinds of stuff and then it started bubbling. I was like, ‘Whoa!’ And then I drank some. That night, the boils on my back opened up and puss came out and it didn’t hurt anymore.” Likely story, bud.

Emily wanted him to get real. I wanted him to keep talking. He was the most ridiculous person I’d ever met! So I asked, “Why don’t you take it to someone and sell it so more people can be cured and you’d make a lot of money.”

“I’m a landowner, I’m tired of money.” This sounds ridiculous, but this weekend I did learn that landowners on Ebeye are probably the richest people I’ll ever know. The US gives them a stipend every quarter and they get huge checks, hundreds of thousands or millions! Kids forfeit the opportunity to go to college for this. Why would they go study when they’re in line to be a landowner? And even with all this money, they stay here. They get paid to do close to nothing. Why leave? So sad. “A man in Japan told me, ‘I’ll give you three billion dollars if you teach me how to make your medicine.’ I told him, ‘This is going to my son.’ I’m not going to write it down. It’s all in my head. My son will have this when I die. Would you guys like to try my medicine? I sell it for $10/bottle, but you can try a little bit now if you’d like.”

Before we had a chance to decline he was bringing out one of his shady bottles filled with his “medicine.” He unscrewed the lid and told Emily to put out her hand to pour some in. She goes, “I’m a little scared,” looking at me with wide eyes. Haha! He said, “No it’s safe,” and drank the little bit he poured in the lid. She put out her hand. He poured some in my hand too. I was very curious what it tasted like. I know this goes against anything I’ve ever been taught about stranger interactions, but I said a little prayer and I drank it.

After smelling it, Emily asked, “Is there alcohol in this?”

“Nope, all natural.”

There was definitely alcohol in that stuff. It was like alcohol and fruit juice.

Emily tilted up her hand to “drink” it and our new friend and I saw all of it drip out of her hand onto her lap. “Fruity!”

He went on to tell us that he was part of Ebeye’s royal family and that people bow down to him but he tells them, “What are you doing? Get up. Let’s go eat together.” And they reply, “What? You want to eat together?” And he ever so humbly replies, “Yes! We’re all the same.” He said he also owns Kwaj and several of the outer islands. He told us a story about one day when he was on Kwaj and one of the police officers was telling him he couldn’t sell his medicine there. The boss told the officer, “Do you know who you are talking to? He owns the ground you’re standing on. Pack up your stuff, you’re fired.”

And our said, “You shouldn’t have fired him.”

The officer replied, “He needs to learn to talk to people. He shouldn’t talk to you like that.”

He told us several other personal stories that were just as ridiculous. After this, he got up to go talk to someone and said, “I’ll be back. We’ll talk more.” Emily and I had had enough crazy talk for the day, so we left. As we were walking away in silence, Emily goes, “I don’t even know where to start...”

Then after telling Michael, one of the missionaries, about our “brilliant” and humble Beach Park friend we found out that our friend was not playing an April Fool’s joke. He’s been going around telling people about his magical concoction and some of the little stores sell it. Who knows. Maybe he’s on to something. ;)